submission

I haven't really posted very much "original" type stuff on here lately. I think it has been good that way. It's easy for me to get big headed about stuff and i realized i spent a lot of time trying sound good on here. not exactly a new revelation. I think I've said it on here before about how I haven't been very real. I've been trying to sort out how much of this blog thing is actually an honest look at me.

Tonight i don't have great words. I don't have a desire to impress anyone. I guess what I need is to just type some stuff out because I've been thinking a lot about it and want to look at it. And honestly, I don't know where else to put it. We'll see what happens. bear with me.



I've talked a lot to people about how important I think it is to completely lose control. I've talked about how great it is to simply rely on God. I've shot off my mouth, saying these things--things that I definitely believe. I believe that if the God we serve is as truly huge and in control as we claim He is(and more) then it would only make sense to lose control. It would only make sense to let go of ourselves and completely rely on a massively HUGE and in control God to love us, care for us, hold us, fill our lives, give us meaning, direct us, to glorify His name because we know that our Father is everything. Everything. Absolutely everything.

I desire it myself. I want to let Him be in control. I want so badly to always have Him be in control of my life...to always accept His love. I want to crawl up in His lap and simply be His child. How beautiful it would be to live this way. What an amazing way to live...to always trust.

But i was kind of shooting off my mouth i think.

i think there's something I miss a lot about this whole thing. I talk as though accepting this love is really easy. I'm not sure if i really totally believe that it is actually "easy." I'm not sure being in the state to truly and honestly accept it, and make much of it is always as easy.

I have to be broken. I have to submit. My life is a constant process: ...I become like a child. I love His love. I love Him. then...something. and then I love (insert something else). Over time, something grabs me. i start chasing after things for myself.

and then i go down hill.

Somewhere in there, something changed. somewhere in there i stopped chasing. i stopped dying to self. i stopped submitting. It's not that I don't believe in Him or don't want to follow Him, but somewhere i started making other things matter more. I stopped laying down my rights.

I feel like I'm there more than anywhere else. It's pretty miserable in some ways.

but during this time, it's weird. when i'm in this time, i notice something about myself. even though i get wrapped up in myself, i am aware of something else. I'm aware of something happening. I'm aware of ...something(excuse the repetition). During these times, I'm on fire. Every single time, I'm on fire. My body burns.


does anyone else know what that is like? to burn? to be in need of something more in a desperate sort of way?
..and everyone says a resounding (hopefully) "yes" to that. ok maybe that's an easy question. I guess it seems fairly obvious that i am burning to run after my Father and i'm consciously aware of the fact that I'm not. I'm allowing myself to get in the way. Ok...diagnosis...*check*

Cure: easy! everyone will say it!! It's to accept God and His love again!!!!

ok good i know what the cure is...

*check*

Thanks...I think that was pretty easy. So what is still wrong? At this point i haven't changed. why is it that nothing changes? what have i done? what do i have to do? i've been told that it is a gift. i can't do anything to deserve it. i can't do anything but accept it.

what does that mean? it seems sooo easy....

i know this is random. i guess what i'm saying is that it is so easy for me to tell everyone how easy it is accept God's love. i mean, it's always there. i can always take it. i can always choose to follow Him. He's perfectly faithful. He will always open His arms for me. He will kill the fatted calf when i come to Him. It's quite beautiful. It sounds easy.

But i think it's hard. not because of God...He's never changing. It's me. I make it hard. I have to choose to humble myself and return to that grace and that love. the prodigal son chose to walk the road back. He was willing to drop himself. he was willing to be a servant. I have a decision. it isn't easy. i have to let go of myself. I have to choose to die to myself daily.

Does anyone have such a ridiculously hard time letting go? I'm not just talking about once. I'm not talking about that initial decision to believe. I think I'm talking about the dying to self daily thing. That part seems pretty hard for me. It is not easy for me to let go. I dunno, maybe I try too hard. Maybe i make this too hard. maybe since this love is always available, i should just be able to accept it all the time. I should always need it. i dunno...to me that just feels like another *check*

Or maybe I'm supposed to struggle with this. I know that I burn more often than i submit. Regardless of whether that is "right" or "wrong," it's the truth. My "pursuit" of my Lord is simply not one at all. It's a crawl. especially lately...I've been nothing but burning lately. i've been in a constant fight against myself in so many different areas. areas that need to simply be dropped for Him. for some reason it's just really hard. it's a hard fight every day.

sounds pretty depressing. it makes me question whether i'm doing something wrong.

regardless of whether any of this is right or wrong, i think i'm learning a lot about His pursuit of us. it's kind of funny. it doesn't make sense to me. I chase after something else and I begin to burn. people enter my life and push me. reminders are shoved in my face. long story short, i'm noticing that since He is really big, really consistent and in every situation, I'm having a darn difficult time avoiding Him. And I'm finding a great deal of joy in that.

it kind of makes the things I chase after just a little less important. submitting still isn't easy, and i'm crawling a lot. but i guess i'm learning. and i've had friends, old and new, right along side me...sharing in struggles and joys. this whole community thing means a lot more than I ever thought it would.


i stumbled across this psalm today and I liked it.


"Praise the Lord, all you nations;
extol him, all you peoples.
For great is his love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.

Praise the Lord."

Psalm 117

sorry it was random.
have a good one guys
-dave