His love...

I have homework but I'm not ready to do it yet...

this is all i've been thinking about tonight...

With the recent onslaught of marriages i would assume it is easy for most of us single people to start getting more than a little lonely. I think i'm at the age where it's really easy to start looking hard for a relationship. I confess i've spent much of my life on that boat. it was a rush at times and at other times it was very painful to pursue that course.

I hope i'm not the only one that has, at some point, asked the question "will I be "alone" forever?"

I have to be honest. I want a wife. I think it would be awesome. Rather than beat around the bush, tonight as i was walking to the library I thought to myself how much I needed a female to talk to. I let a few things get to me today that impacted the way i thought of people, and i became angry at how stupid i was for it. I was frustrated to the point where my emotions started running haywire. I wanted someone to be with me...to just hold me for a while. It's one of those things that you just don't want to talk to a guy about...it's more of for a mom type discussion or for another female. I wanted just to be emotional in front of a girl because i thought she would understand more.

and something in my mind wouldn't allow that one to stick.

so backtrack a little---I've been thinking a lot lately on how i should depend on God. I've wanted to completely rely on God lately. I've wanted to let Him be my supply in absolutely everything.

...I think God wasn't waiting on my words as much as He was waiting for their application to my life.

Obviously "total dependence" (as an excellent friend of mine puts it) is not coming easily as I deal with my pride and what I tell Him I need. I'm not exactly someone who has this whole thing figured out in any way shape or form. But even though i don't understand(and just downright suck at it at times), I have to believe i can rely on Him for everything. Don't think i'm a great source to know what it means to put this into practice on a day to day basis, but i think I have to try.

I have to believe that this applies to relationships. I desired love so badly tonight--the emotional type love...the love that comes from a sort of tenderness that you just sometimes can't see in guy friends. Not that it isn't there in guy frienships...I've experienced it on several occasions w/ some awesome guy friends, but usually, that tender love just isn't expressed the same way w/ guys that it is from girls.

If He truly is Lord of all creation, of water, earth and sky, then He has to be capable of providing everything we need. If I really want to draw closer to Him-- If I really want to develop a truly intimate relationship with the one Being that I so boldly claim matters most in my life (definitely not always the case as much as i wish it were), I think I have to believe that He loves me first. I have to believe that He can be absolutely everything to me and that He loves me completely. If i don't believe that first, what sort of god am i dealing with? I have on countless occasions dealt with this sort of boxed-in god rather than the uncontainable, holy God of the universe.

I dunno...I just feel like it's another question for me of "what or whom am i chasing after?" I want to try to allow God to provide me with everything i need. it seems like that would mean i had the opportunity to come to Him first for the tender love i needed tonight. If that meant that he would work through a female on this fine evening to listen to me, after I told Him that I desired love, then that's great. But if that meant that He would only make Himself available for an intimate conversation, then it seems as though I need to allow Him to be my lover. the point that seemed to hit home tonight was that i needed to chase Him first and trust in His love first.

trust...i want to trust that He is faithful, loving and in control. I want to trust that He will not abandon me and trusts me with what He's given me on this very day. Today that is me being a college student. Today that is me living in Marigold 1 in Springfield, Illinois. Today that is me being single.

and today He loves me more than anyone here could.

I have to believe that I don't need a female. I have to believe that I need Him. I'm starting(quite freakin slowly i might add) to see marriage as a blessing from God rather than a need to be filled (meaning it comes on His time rather than mine if it is going to come at all). I think I've limited God to only be capable of filling certain needs. The companionship i desire, the acceptance i so desperately crave, can and should come first from Him. By no means is this always easy because i think i get selfish. I think i start demanding blessings from Him.

I think I miss that He has proven His love is the best in so many ways. He has blessed me with a life in which I have the opportunity to know Him--the King of the Universe. He went further to make sure I didn't have to be on par with Him to build this relationship by loving me so much that He gave up HUGE glory to die for our love.

I get so numb to that fact. I think i did tonight for sure. Thank God that He pursues us.

thank You that even though You could have just stopped right at sacrificing Yourself, You instead stayed with us and are now living with us...dwelling in our hearts...ready, waiting, and more than capable to be our everything.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38,39

this is hard for me a lot of times but He has always proven Himself faithful...I guess this is another case of me just being somewhere in the middle of trusting.

have a good one guys :)
-dave