I just get lonely sometimes...

It's Wednesday night. Everyone seems to be asleep and i'm sitting at this computer.

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff today so i'm just going to start typing and hope it comes out in coherent sort of way...

I'm thinking a lot about how important community is in my life. Obviously, right now, I'm learning a little about what it means to be out of it and how it impacts my life, walk, etc. I'm so thankful and so very blessed to be raised by parents who try to live their lives for the same Creator for whom i try to live. Obviously there is an age/maturity gap between siblings but generally we're all on the same page as well.

Even still...

Is anyone else from campus just feeling like something is missing?

This break has been great in many respects so far. I've played a TON of guitar and basketball. I'm actually running out of books to read because i've spent so much time reading. I have as much time as I want to spend time in the Word each day(that isn't to say that i actually take advantage of the opportunity everyday...) which has allowed me to start prepping for semester Bible study. I've spent quality time with each of my family members on more than one occasion. Overall, on the surface, stuff has been really good.

But honestly, this break has been hard for me.

I have had a really hard time challenging myself. I've read a bunch of really good books that have challenged me. But I feel like the words on the page just kind of go in my head and then out my...nose? I dunno, i feel like everything is really slow and difficult. It makes it worse when i decide to keep this lonely feeling with me all day. I know that when i do this, I blind myself to the one Love I need the most. then i get "needing everything, and needing it today." (lonely sometimes by Don Chaffer)

Also, I have had a really hard time when it has come to discernment. I do not have many people to whom I can go just to spill my guts, or to seek wisdom and/or advice up here. My parents are great but I don't think it's a big shocker when i say that it is hard to open up to parents sometimes. I've spent the whole break with a million thoughts about my life, feelings, future. They've all just sat there, churning around, waiting for an outlet or any sort of light to shed a little brighter on one or two of them.

Consequently (i'm not sure this is a bad thing at all), I'm learning about waiting on the Lord and living freely because of His grace. Everyone says all the time (my mom said it yesterday) that I'm too hard on myself. I've always wanted to be exceptional at the things to which I've committed my time. Unfortunately (unfortunate to only a certain degree) this carried over into my faith. It was unfortunate in the sense that I always tried to control my situation and improve it. In faith, I think I've tried so hard to do stuff the right way so that I can please God the most and save the most people that I constantly lose sight of what is important. I become so caught up in what decision is right or wrong that I forget the freedom that I have in Him through Jesus Christ. I am not trusting that He will work no matter what I do or do not do. He does not need me.

Not recognizing this leads to my worrying. I try to take control of something of which I cannot possibly take control. I constantly battle anxiety in my life. The break has really given me time to take a hard look at this area of my life and realize that it will only be healed by the grace of God. I'm slowly slowly slowly by no power of my own learning to trust and live in this freedom. Clearly we are called to submit and follow Him ("if you love me you will obey my commandments" --- "Peter do you love me?"..."feed my sheep." ---countless other examples...), but i think i just make this stuff too hard and complicated a lot of the time. worry does not have to be a part of this gig.

This anxiety gets pretty tough when i have all this time to myself. It's easy to think about myself the whole time. However, I'm thankful for this time because this is one of many things that is really being brought to the surface during break.

All this stuff is really hard when I don't allow myself to have, or am unable to find support. I think God desires that we bring all these things to Him first, but I also think that we(people) are meant to be together. We are meant to build each other up. We are definitely in need of community. UIS has been amazing in this area. There are so many people who have pushed me, encouraged me, prayed with me, taught me, taken time to simply hang out with me and/or put up with me ;), and loved me. (i'm speaking specifically to those in Springfield at UIS mainly because it is my place of residence these days...that doesn't mean others haven't done this as well)

The Body of Christ is where it's at. I've definitely felt the most at "home" during church service on Sunday up here. Just being reminded that there are those around me desiring the same things that I am makes this thing a little easier and a little sweeter. I love my family and have definitely been pushed by them. But I love my friends too. I miss you guys. We are so blessed to live in a place where we know we will be in contact with people on a daily basis who know the same Love that we do.

You guys challenge me and encourage me. Just knowing that I'm not alone in this thing helps out a lot. You guys mean so much to me. I can't wait to see you. Hope everything is going well. :)

have an awesome night
-dave