though i feel alone, i am never alone

Saturday morning. A few thoughts...

Returning to school has brought on an overwhelming wave of emotions. I'm not going to lie. I needed a month away. I needed time to reflect. I needed time to learn about myself. It was definitely a good break. i definitely needed lots of time where i could be alone. I also needed to have time with my family. The last two weeks were pretty good for me personally. Some stuff needed to be faced, there were things about which i needed to rejoice and things i needed to grieve. i am learning to be honest with myself and with God. Overall i came to the airport with a great deal of peace and excitement for this semester.

And now I'm at school and everything's hard.

I don't have any real joyful emotions right now. Kind of down and more focused on myself.

I guess I got pretty comfortable on the reservation over break. I'm thankful for this in a sense because the move to the reservation made me not very excited to visit home, knowing that i would have a great deal of time to be by myself. I wanted to see my family after they moved but didn't want to have to spend all the alone time up there. It was/has been hard to find people up there to hang out with. Every break prior to this one, I spent the whole time just being a vegetable, watching tv and quite honestly just feeling sorry for myself because i was bored. But the great thing about this break was that I didn't deal with that near is much. It was still a struggle, but i found there were still plenty of ways to be purposeful on the reservation even if it didn't seem like it. My sisters and myself actually MADE A FRIEND our age who lives within 20 miles of the reservation(this is HUGE guys). We actually went out one monday night and had a lot of fun. When I was alone, I read so many books, I played guitar and basketball all the time. I prayed, I got loud, I shut up and in all these I learned about worship and how He listens to me. It was great to finally not only enjoy seeing my amazing family, but to also make use of a big portion of the time i had to myself.

So, being a creature of habit, I came back to school in "reservation mode." Definitely doesn't work like that on campus. So many people to see. So many things to do. So much louder and busier(is that how you spell it?). This isn't a bad thing at all. It's just different.

But i'm kind of in shock right now. I feel like a deer caught in headlights. I still don't feel like i've gotten my bearings. It's not a huge deal. It's just that even in the presence of tons of people I've felt like i've held onto the alone-ness(i can't spell...deal with it :) ) of the reservation. I've felt more than a little out of it.

But this morning as I was reading and listening to a song, I was reminded of how he He entrusts us with the opportunity to chase after Him even when we don't feel like it. What's more, He still chases after us even when we don't feel like it. His faithfulness and love are steady and unchanging.

He is the picture of stability in the midst of my tiny crises.

So in this time of nothingness...in this time of lame emotions, it's more than a little nice to know that I am loved by the perfectly faithful God in Heaven who desires nothing less than to spend every waking moment of every day with me for eternity. I was really moved by the words of this song. It spoke to me of hope and a consistent faithfulness and love that i need in the midst of all the inconsistencies of this world.

"Though I feel alone
I am never alone

You are with me
Oh, my Lord

In the night-time while I’m on my bed
I will let every thought be of You
For you are good
You take all those who will come to You

In the morning as I face the day
I will let every thought be of You
For you are good
You take all those who will come to You"

"though i feel alone"
by Don Chaffer

have a good one guys :)

-dave