He loves

I went to my room relatively early two nights ago, and I moped. And I got mad...
I gave up. We're talking about being real on these blog things---well here it is.

I said I couldn't do this. I'd felt empty for so long. It was almost a month since I had felt anything. I'd prayed over and over again for help. I'd seen Him working all around me but I didn't feel anything. I didn't know why i couldn't feel stuff. It had been so long...

I got frustrated. I was done with it. I wanted to follow Him, I wanted to do His will, I wanted to love Him, I wanted to trust Him and rest in Him, but I didn't know how anymore. Picture a little kid being held by his father. The kid is kicking and screaming and the father is just sitting there, holding on tight.

So I went to bed...ticked off more than I think i've ever been and more empty than I'd ever been.

I woke up the next morning and I literally told God to "go away."

It seems like everything that happened after that just had Him screaming "I'm not going anywhere."

What can I say to that?

I got on the computer when I woke up and read Shelly's blog. It wasn't anything specific that she wrote, it was just something about the love she has found in Jesus that stung my heart. I realized I missed Him.

When I got off of work, I started talking to God about how I wanted to trust Him and rest in Him while doing His work but I still didn't know how. I was trying to be honest with Him and I was trying to work this stuff out...
...and right on cue, Dan Collins comes riding down the road on his bike. One of my best friends, who is constantly building me up in Christ, shows up exactly when i needed him most.

Coincidence? My butt. I mean...really...come on...
I realized that I had never lost Him. He was there the whole time. He hadn't gone anywhere.

Through my talk with Dan, I felt loved. The words that flowed from Dan's mouth were ridiculous. Dan will be the first to tell you it wasn't anything He did and I agree. God totally answered my faithless prayer. I felt so loved.

God had been tugging at me and I had been resisting. He had offered the strength and love that I desired through Erin (phone call), John(weird/amazing talk...ask me about it), and Harvy(compassion child sent me a letter!!) on Thursday. But I wouldn't accept it. So I gave up.

But He wouldn't let go.

So He loved me yesterday morning through Shelly and through Dan. and I couldn't resist. He was pursuing me so violently that I had no choice but to drop my bags and my pride and run back to Him.

And it hurts me to know that I spat in His face and essentially gave Him the finger.

But it hurts me even worse to know that He'll put up with that all the time just so He can be with me.

I wonder how many times I spit in His face and don't even realize it. I wonder how often He sits there, while holding me in His lap, and He cries. He cries because He loves me so much that He would let me learn from my mistakes. He loves me so much that He gives me a choice to love Him. He doesn't need me. But He loves me passionately and desires to hold me in His lap for eternity.

There is nothing I can do to earn that love. There is no amount of worship, no deed, no prayer that will make me earn that love. My Bible dictionary thing defines grace as an "undeserved favor or gift."

Undeserved...

So what the crap can i do? There must be something. We're called to "go." How do I know if I'm doing anything right? I try to follow all of the commandments, but we all know there's more to life than following a set of rules. Where do I go? What do I do? Where do I serve? Aren't we supposed to be guided by His Spirit?

I make my actions, my situations, my words, my thoughts an offering to Him wherever I am, with whomever. I should love people, giving myself as a tool through which He can work if He so chooses. Shelly offered her words of her blog to Him and He used them in powerful ways. Dan offered his time and experiences to God and they were used in powerful ways. I just got a phone call in the middle of my typing this blog from a lady at my church who randomly decided to make me a pie and was making sure I'd be at church to pick it up tomorrow. Wow. God uses that. I felt loved by Him five minutes ago through her. I should be doing the same things. God doesn't need me at all, but I need Him, and He is gracious enough to love me. He deserves for me to make every aspect of my life an offering to Him. I shouldn't expect anything in return. He already gave me everything I need. He saved my life! Why am I squabbling for an emotion? I get to go to heaven in a few short years!

But He doesn't stop there. He gives us His spirit. He gave me His Holy Spirit. He gives me life abundant. Not "life happy" but Life overflowing. What the crap? Why do I need more than that.

and yet, i sit there and turn to Him and spit in His face. I ask for more. I ask for happiness. I defile His name by saying that I need more--basically saying that He is not capable of taking care of me....that He is not in control. I ask for assurance in everything I do, putting myself in the driver's seat, rather than Him. I ask ask ask. me me me, my my my.

and then turn again and tell Him I love Him.

dang it

a song that hits me harder than I think any song has ever hit me. I see myself in this song and it breaks my heart. But at the same time, it reminds me of His intense love for me --- which brings me life.


If you could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I'll ever need?
Or is there more I'm looking for?

And should I read between the lines
And look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich and wise
Is that really what you want?

'Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle
I'm a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard child?
Though I don't trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side

'Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood

I am a whore I do confess
I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle
I'm a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle to you

Because money cannot buy
A husband's jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife

"Wedding Dress"
-Derek Webb


Even though we spit in His face He says "I love you." I can't explain it. I guess I don't need to. But man...that kind of love...

I want to live for that


-Dave