Ready to stay...

This week has been filled with a lot of lessons for me. I have learned so many hard but good lessons. However, it seems like whenever I want to talk or write about the stuff I've learned, words begin to fail me. I sit there and stumble for the things to say. I wonder if it is because I try to write and speak as if I understand the things I'm going through. I think I try to talk and write about stuff as if I've figured it out.

ouch

So how bout instead, I'm going to make it very clear that I'm a HUGE work in progress (WIP). And as such, it should be understood that I am not close to understanding any of the stuff I write about. Furthermore, I don't think I ever will. God's plan is so much bigger...I will never understand. Therefore, I want to make it very clear that there is no possible way that I could ever understand and explain the stuff that goes on around me. So instead, I'm going to offer this as a way for me to pound out a few thoughts in text and share my insights with my friends and family. They may be worth something, they may not, I'm not sure I can control that. I'm just going to offer them...

If you have sat down to talk to me recently, you may or may not know that I've been restless. I've wanted to be done with college and just move away to a foreign country so I can help people in need. I have longed to go give love to people who are hurting and have no one to care for them. I have longed to go talk about Christ, set up an orphanage for kids, I dunno...anything. I've wanted to leave...

Why?
I'm disgusted by the indifference in this country to human beings in other countries, specifically those in "third world" countries. I'm sure I'm caught up in it too...I've lived in American all of my life and have been a contributor to the market that thrives on "me, me, me" and "more, more, more."
I've been so sick of all the hoops I've been jumping through at school. They seemed as though they were only so I could advance myself in a society to which I did/do not want to belong. I've been so sick of living in such comfort. I've been saddened by my complacency. I may not want to become complacent, but it's so easy to fall into the mindset that it's all about me. I've been even more disturbed at how little we love each other. To me, it seems like it is because we Americans can get so comfortable. I've felt like it's so easy just to fall into the mindset that I "need" certain products because they make me feel good or make me look better. They make me more comfortable in some way, shape or form. UGH. I've wanted to go away. I've told God "I'm ready to go...send me." I want to be in a position where I can help others and stop focusing on my terribly American self.

It was a selfish prayer.

I haven't been ready to stay...

I think I've desired so desperately to do mission work in a foreign country that I let it become a god. I stopped letting God put me in the best possible position. Instead, I told Him where I wanted to go. I've been ready and willing to go (I say that knowing full well that I have no idea what I would be getting myself into), but I haven't been ready to stay. How can I say that I want to further God's kingdom if I'm not ready to go anywhere to do that? I have been so opposed to leading a life of ministry in the United States. I think He says a HUGE "you're wrong" to that.

"Go into the world and preach the good news to all creation."
Luke 16:15

Unfortunately, for my pride, that means the United States as well. I'm such a fool to guess that God will want to use me in a foreign country. How arrogant is it of me to assume that I can have any say in where He wants me to be? Would I really be soft clay if I have my heart set on leaving? God can work anywhere. God could leave me right here in Springfield for the rest of my life if that's where I will be His most effective instrument. Who am I to say that He would be making a mistake? I CAN'T say that. He knows what's up. I don't. It's going to be a constant struggle for me to remind myself that I should be ready to go to any and ALL parts of creation. France to Sudan to Chile to Mexico to Australia to Russia to China to Canada...

to the United States...
I'm such a fool. I'm a WIP...

I should be ready to stay and go...

But that doesn't mean that I have to unpack my stuff...
I can still enjoy living out of a duffle bag even if I have to stay here, right? :)

Have a good one guys
-Dave